Hurt Squirrels
Putting The Hell In Hellblazer
8/31/2003 12:38 AM

This is old news to the terribly geeky, but I just found out that Keanu Reeves will be playing John Constantine in the film adaption of the comic book Hellblazer (strike one). The character is being Americanized (strike two) which, on a positive note, will spare the world Keanu's awful British accent. The plot is reportedly based on a storyline from the comic where Constantine gets cancer. In the comic, however, it's lung cancer while in the movie it's brain cancer, which leads me to believe the movie version will not be the unpolitically correct chain-smoker that the comic version is (strike three).

Just don't make this movie. Please.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love to see a Hellblazer movie. Just not this one. Why take aspects that make the character interesting and flush them down the crapper? Why cast Keanu? Why...?

Oh hell, forget why. Because it's Hollywood, that's why. Let's take every half-original idea and bastardize and homogenize it within an inch of it's life. Assclowns. Do it right or don't do it all.

Random Footnote: In case you've never cracked open a comic in your life, the character of John Constantine most closely resembles a non-vampire Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now that I think of it, James Marsters -- the actor who portrayed Spike -- would be a much better choice than Mr. Whoa.

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